schrödinger's cat

medicine

2011-12-09T16:21:00.000-06:00

listen to these simultaneously:

what do women want? by kim addonizio

I want a red dress.

I want it flimsy and cheap,

I want it too tight, I want to wear it

until someone tears it off me.

I want it sleeveless and backless,

this dress, so no one has to guess

what's underneath. I want to walk down

the street past Thrifty's and the hardware store

with all those keys glittering in the window,

past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old

donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers

slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,

hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.

I want to walk like I'm the only

woman on earth and I can have my pick.

I want that red dress bad.

I want it to confirm

your worst fears about me,

to show you how little I care about you

or anything except what

I want. When I find it, I'll pull that garment

from its hanger like I'm choosing a body

to carry me into this world, through

the birth-cries and the love-cries too,

and I'll wear it like bones, like skin,

it'll be the goddamned

dress they bury me in.

So, I'm pretty sure I don't have to tell you guys, but IT'S CHRISTMAS TIME!

I've been engulfed in the Christmas spirit with putting up the tree, colourful lights, clouds of breath at my morning bus stop, Christmas music in band, and les mots du Noel in french. It all used to be a little more magical as a younger child, but I still try my best to be excited.

I think it'll help that it snowed today, though. :)

December I go into panic mode. I go into eleven months of memory and a state of wonder at how I managed to do nothing within them. But it's December 9 now, and I have twenty-three days to manifest dreams and do something to make me happy and make up for what so far has been a painfully sluggish 2011.

December brings me down in the slightest way. The realization dawns: I AM A LAZY PIECE OF CRUD THAT DOES NOTHING. Some people have selective hearing? I have selective caring. I care about doing productive things, but I don't care to actually go out and do them. Does that make sense? It has to, I bet plenty of people are like this.

Maybe it's OCD, maybe it's just because a year is a long time, but there has to be at least one thing I can look back on from a year. And this is another reason to like this time of the year. It is a lovely slap in the face or nudge of the elbow or whatever it takes to inspire you to do something worth the energy.

------------------

Okay, I'm done cheeseballin'. Holidays plans, anyone?

forget love, fall in coffee

2011-11-23T13:23:00.002-06:00

I am so terrible with keeping up with this!

so to make up for it, I thought I'd frustrate you all with pictures of good food.

you are completely welcome.

-----------------------------

Lately I've been wanting to retrogress. Obviously not completely. It's just that I used to care about so many things, and it isn't that it made me happy, but it made me passionate.

But I'm not frigid or apathetic or robotic or anything along those lines, it's not that.

I'm not miserable, but I'm not motivated. It's just as bad.

❀◕ ‿ ◕❀

2011-10-24T18:39:00.000-05:00

So with the revival of this blog, I thought I'd usher in with pretty photographs.

I don't have anything necessarily planned out to say (aren't I such a terrible blogger?) so I'll just do a nice little bullet list with things to check out:

music

Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites Piano Cover. Originally by Skrillex.
Dreamer. Elizaveta.
Space. Fizzy Dino Pop.
Over. Epik High.
Run the Heart (Bassnectar Remix). Originally by Sleigh Bells.
Derezzed. Daft Punk.
Little Bit (Autoerotique Remix). Originally by Lykke Li.
Get Fresh. Kid Sister.

books

it's kind of a funny story by ned vizzini
you get so alone at times that it just makes sense by charles bukowski
let the great world spin by colum mccann
exit here. by jason myers
. . . yeah, I haven't been reading very much lately. any suggestions?

Anyway,

it is exactly one week until Halloween!

I'm going as Hello Kitty. What is your costume?

On the verge of starting this again.

2011-10-21T15:21:00.005-05:00

It probably won't be very consistent if I do.

I don't remember half the things I have said on this, and I shudder at the thought of looking back to remember. I'm debating whether or not coming back is a good idea, whether or not I should leave my previous innocence unmolested from the angsty and always tired thoughts of the typical teenager that I have become.

So on the off chance I do start over:

I am now a junior in high school.
I am always tired.
I do not remember what it is like to not be tired.

This has been an introduction post.

If I don't follow through, I have a tumblr.

The 8.9 Earthquake in Japan.

2011-03-11T18:10:00.010-06:00

these two images and more are from here and here.

in a nutshell:

along the east coast of Japan, there was an earthquake with a magnitude of 8.9
twenty-three (23) foot waves
epicenter: Miyagi Prefecture
rising radiation levels by nuclear plants
about 153 earthquakes, including aftershocks, hit Japan today alone
expected tsunamis in approx. 50 other countries
for more information

footage:

to help:

red cross
shelterbox
international medical corps
global giving
convoy of hope
salvation army (or text JAPAN or QUAKE to 80888 for a $10 donation)

If any information above is inaccurate, please feel free to tell me.

This is not something to joke about. People are dying in handfuls, and even people outside of Japan are hurting. Everywhere has problems, whether it be our everyday problems like a bad hair day, waking up late, failing a test. But today, this is Japan's problem. With everything going on, from the Middle East to Japan to our everyday problems, hopefully there is enough time to spread the word and give back. We share this world.

Keep Japan in your prayers.

Six days and two years ago,

2010-12-21T17:05:00.003-06:00

I had a friend name Danny. He was a vast vacuum of space that would pretend to stand at six feet, with a gentle brightness of the midnight sky peppered with little white suns and a glowing moon. He was those Russian dolls in reverse, the ones that fit one inside the other and hid in the bellies of their outer shell, with how he'd peel back a new person to say "hello", to smile.

His eyes were jade with a golden ring that blazed around the pupil like sunflower petals, that glittered in the sun. His tuffs of generic blonde hair were always unruly. His sense of humour wasn't sarcastic, but he coped with mine like it was. His laughter was contagious and sudden.

He was a squirrel that climbed trees in the spring. He was a little kid on Christmas Eve that couldn't slip into the quiet comfort of sleep. He was a fragile sail being smacked by the noxious wind with its boat fighting an icy, violent current.

He smiled so often, so no one ever questioned when walking became a challenge. No ever questioned when he missed Sunday school for a week or two. No ever wondered why he started to limp. No ever wondered where he was, confined to white sheets or trapped in his own vast vacuum of space.

For what felt like a century, a year of hiatus tore him away from me, from his friends, from his familiar territory of a blue sky and birds that sang at four in the morning. His eyelids were bolts of lightning that struck fiercely every time they would flutter closed. For awhile, he came back to us, his generic blonde tuffs gone and the jades in his irises crushed to weak powder.

He could still smile, could still spread his laughter like a virus. He was still human, still real, still Danny. But eventually, he wasn't with us anymore.

And that bothered me. How his absence filled every room with silence. How he managed to fall into that small six percent that meant life or death. How fifteen years old was forced to be his limit, despite how limitless he was like the great expanse of space.

It has been six days and two years. And even before, within, and after, there are children breaking their limbs, having cancer eating away at their contagious laughter, their loving families,

their friends.

Some of them survive, hold the haunting memory. Some of them don't, but others hold it for them. They hold onto all of them. They remember that he liked squiggly light bulbs, that his favourite day of the year was the first day of winter, that hail storms were his favourite kind of storms. They don't know what to do with that, even after six days and two years pass.

Time winds forward, even if it doesn't heal.

Honestly

2010-11-29T19:39:00.005-06:00

I know there is more to life than just the books you read, the places you go, the clothes you wear, the makeup, the sweaters, British accents, chocolate, the music you listen to, algebra, food, gum that tastes like ice cream, mustaches, Harry Potter.
But those are things I live in, not for, and more. I live in televisions and cars shaped like cubes and iPods and loud cities with pedestrians and screeching cars.
And I don't think I was born in the wrong era.
And I have no aspiration to be a Hepburn in a Hilton world.
So you can leave me with my televisions and loud cities and go off in your Jane Austen novels if that's what makes you happy.

Because we're all allowed to be happy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-25T15:55:00.002-06:00

And there's only one month until Christmas!

Lists

2010-11-12T11:11:00.008-06:00

questions:

are we who we are to ourselves, or to the people around us?
if God didn't want Adam and Eve to eat the fruit from the tree, why did he create the tree?
do you ever wonder what kind of filter you are viewing the world through right now?
where is the line drawn when repetition makes a thing lose its meaning instead of emphasising it?

I was going to elaborate on those, but I might have ended up answering them myself.

good things:

nostalgic music
travelling by car
taking off in a plane
strong opinions
empty neighborhoods
how the sun shines a few hours before it actually sets
windy days (the not-obnoxious ones)
harry potter movies (esp. the first two)
people when they smile
people when they 'get' you
when you 'get' someone else
bobby pins
how time flies when it's nighttime (and you're awake)
secondhand books
writing on the first page of a new journal
hats
laughing until you cry (or)
seeing someone laughing until they cry
re-reading a book after a long time
taking the perfect picture
water
chocolate flavoured things
lazy sundays
nice haircuts
comfortable socks
seeing someone you know in a room of strangers
lists
dressing in layers

Etc.

what to remember:

chapstick
you are not fat

I know there are more things, but I forgot.

technology i hate:

toilets that flush automatically

I'm serious, like you have no idea how paranoid I am about those things.

words i like:

clever
encyclopaedia
eyelashes
dusty
fascination
fluttering
foreign
ignorant
iridescent
lackluster
linguistic
lizard
mascara
mock
mustache
oblique
quixotic
sasquatch
simplicity
skeptical
sweltering
tedious
translucent
vast
veracity

In alphabetical order because it's fun :)

words that don't exist in the english language:

l’esprit d’escalier: (French) the feeling you get after leaving a conversation, when you think of all the things you should have said. Translated it means “the spirit of the staircase”
waldeinsamkeit: (German) the feeling of being alone in the woods
meraki: (Greek) doing something with soul, creativity, or love
forelsket: (Norwegian) the euphoria you experience when you are first falling in love
gigil: (Filipino) the urge to pinch or squeeze something that is unbearably cute
pochemuchka: (Russian) a person who asks a lot of questions
pena ajena: (Mexican Spanish) the embarrassment you feel watching someone else’s humiliation
cualacino: (Italian) the mark left on a table by a cold glass
ilunga: (Tshiluba, Congo) a person who is ready to forgive any abuse for the first time, to tolerate it a second time, but never a third time

(retrieved from here)

life:

I can't stop thinking about going to Arizona
korean music is really good
hey arnold! was one of my favourite shows so I've been watching it again
my hair is considerably long now
I've given up on wearing makeup

other:

Even in a stranger passing on the street,
Even in those leaves dancing in the wind with a lonely dance,
Even in the air brushing past my cheeks in the evening,
You are there in everything I see, hear, feel.

And how are you?

↑ I drew this, it's a cup.

I really do want to post more often on blogger. Whenever I log in, I can't un-log in. You know, you know. And like I always do, I direct you to here.

How have you been? :)

I just read over some of my older posts.

2010-11-11T23:50:00.001-06:00

jfkbelrwbgwagevew

oh my gosh please don't do it.

1994 -

2010-10-04T18:30:00.003-05:00

You told me to breathe.

You had that fairy-tale conviction calling for the clocks when we laid there, exposed. They ticked and tocked and ticked and tocked as our fingers trembled, blood boiled beneath the blazing neon. There it was, that bleeding light eating away at the sharp air. Prosy nothings brushed off whispering chapped lips against the December atmosphere.

We were young.

Too young, we were fragile and confused no matter how gentle the confession. In an instant, the secondhand thrashed and clouds of dust flew and I couldn't blink, couldn't think. But you laid there, nodded understandingly like the world wouldn't end, that rolling seat was just a week away, a year later we would laugh and so you laughed. The indigo sky sank to that melting horizon like my stomach to the canal while you swam in half-full stars with tired eyes to cry and a heart meant for beating.

You were a traveller, my pirate who sailed the tsunami with your boat against an icy current. Every nautical mile spun behind as you paddled to the calm until that burning scarlet had its own truth calling you.

You were a pilot, my angel falling into the oceans and spinning soil before the feathers poked out and the anchor detached.

And you were gone, my favourite memory generously thinned to transparency, all evidence vanishing. I tried my best to get back the white sheets, build that long awaited chair over the years, wind those clocks backward. But those minutes pushed us forward despite my endeavors, you still call them with those chapped lips of yours. You're incessant, that warm eternal reassurance breathing in the cool midnight whispers. Soft exhales only noticed when you want to, that sliver of hope I should have accepted when it was first presented, the sunrise of the entire earth itself.

So I smile because you would, this curiosity blooms like a great burst of petals and shaking dirt. At least I'm still here! I'm filling my glass, resisting the flames at my wings until the neon calls me after you because

you told me to breathe.

God-given talent is an unfair advantage.

2010-09-25T18:35:00.000-05:00

I should try to be happy more often.
It intensifies whenever I'm sad, sure.
But that intensifies when I'm being happy
which intensifies being sad
which intensifies being happy
which intensifies being sad
which makes me optimistic about when
I'll be happy again.

It's a cycle, you see?

I do think some things should be permanent,
Things shouldn't change, and it can be anything,
A leaf on the sidewalk or a stone that won't crumble
While people think and clocks wind forward,
Winds chill and the sun flares,
And they stay there frozen in
One second or one cry or one tear or one breath,
And we change,
are reminded how different we one day will be.

. . . There haven't been many things on my mind lately, except for the things I can't put into words. There isn't much time to think anymore :/

By the way, did I ever mention that I'm in a play? My school's fall play is Alice in Wonderland, and I play the Queen of Diamonds. I don't actually remember her in the book, but the version I read was an illustrated kid-version when I was four, so. . .

There are actually a few personal things I would like to mention, and I do. I do type out some unfortunate events in this white box as though I'd let the world share it with me, take it off my shoulders. But they come out like a string of words, like an actual string stuck in a needle pushed into frayed fabric, and it's disgusting. So I delete it all, and try with something happier or more worldly.

And that's not even something symbolic or anything, it's just that repulsive that certain things bother me.

I really don't post very often. I've been absorbed in school and life, mostly my attempt at getting one. Sorry.

(and by the way)

Looking like what society tells you to does not make you beautiful. You already are, there isn't a need for reassurance.

Inexhaustible variety of life

2010-09-06T10:18:00.009-05:00

I'm back in school, and my science teacher set her hand on fire.
Oh, and I'm sewing a marching band uniform for my drum major's stuffed animal. It's sort of a mini- mascot for us. Any tips?

(if you click on them, they go to the page on flickr they were posted on ~~credit)
Songs:

Be Good (RAC remix) // Tokyo Police Club
Lemon Tree // Fools Garden
Your English is Good // Tokyo Police Club
Ievan Polkka // the Miku Hatsune Vocaloid one
Map the Soul // Epik High *
With or Without You // Breathe Carolina (cover)
West Coast Friendship // Owl City
Lunacy Fringe // The Used
Animal // Miike Snow
Shake It // Vitamin String Quartet (cover)

* It's in Korean. The worldwide version is in English.

Books:

I don't know. Any suggestions?

Quotes:

It's everybody, I mean. Everything everybody does is so — I don't know — not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and — sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you're conforming just as much only in a different way. -- J.D. Salinger
You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. -- C.S. Lewis
This was the art world I'd been dreaming of, where God-given talent was considered an unfair advantage and a cold-blooded stare merited more praise than the ability to render human flesh. -- David Sedaris
I want to give a really BAD party. I mean it. I want to give a party where there’s a brawl and seductions and people going home with their feelings hurt and women passed out in the cabinet de toilette. You wait and see. -- F. Scott Fitzgerald

I wish I wasn't so sheltered, had some culture, etc. Or at least something to ponder. There's been a lack of ambition in me lately.

So how are you?

2010-08-11T16:51:00.004-05:00

I’m so sick of this “it’s amazing what a smile can hide” or whatever the hell it is. I just imagine that, at one point, someone would finally draw the line and actually strive for happiness rather than faking it.

asdfghjkl;

2010-08-06T20:37:00.007-05:00

im a focus hoarrrr

---------------------

I put this link on every single post I've posted recently, mostly because it's so unfortunate how often I'm there. So if you have one for yourself, feel free to whatever.
My summer's ended in a dramatic and jagged stop. I don't like it.

In a nutshell:

I'm listening to the Vitamin String Quartet more often than I have ever. Strings are so beautiful.
Oh, and Korean music. I should really look up the lyrics or something.
Summer marching band camp isn't that bad, except for my uneven tan. :/
I'm getting contacts. It isn't anything against glasses, but I've had them for about five years. I don't even know what I really look like anymore.
I don't want to go back to school. It isn't even because I don't like it or the people or anything along those lines. The feeling of summer is just so breathable.
On the lookout for a fisheye lense.

Byebye.

2010-07-14T15:20:00.008-05:00

It's just frustrating, the way I see all these poetic writers stringing words and lacing them into sentences. It's not even that I have impractical ambitions or blind desires to be a twenty-first century Sylvia Plath, but it's like floating around a lame and rainy The Catcher in the Rye and a shameful aspiration of The Great Gatsby narrations. And it's like swimming unremittingly between them, never breaking into another train of thought.
Because that's what it is, it is a train of thought. Whether it's practical or unconventional or incredibly dull, every word should write itself from somewhere inside you, your mind. And that's what I want to do, I want to improve my mind. Open it, let it absorb every idea it can before pushing through my skull and spilling off onto paper and drowning itself in inspiration. I want writing to be an impulse, be rashly impracticable beforehand, lavishly romantic, reflect the quixotic thoughts rhythmically beating inside my head like the blood through my veins. I want my thoughts to be breathable. Because all I have are thoughts, and thoughts are one of the few things that really survive the struggle of time. And until I'm done being naive, I guess I'll have to continue swimming back and forth in my guileless restrictions.

I am an envious person.

You start missing everybody.

2010-06-23T22:22:00.013-05:00

I'm at band camp, by the way. (a complete typo from my last post, I am going to texas after this).

My friend found a creek near the place and it's pictured above. (he also got me that necklace, if you're wondering :D) I wish I could do the place justice and show the endless trail of running water and plant life. The thing is, I'm a complete amateur picture-taker, more than likely less than that, so I hope you aren't too bothered by it.

A few days ago, I went to New Mexico and although I wasn't very excited (or even aware of why I was there), I can't even try to say it was anything less than beautiful. I don't know if the whole state is like this, and I envy every citizen who lives there if it is, but everything had a higher sense of quality than the typical farmland cornfields of Illinois. Each building was made of adobe-- If you've never seen it before, then try imagining clay molded by deft hands in art class, dried and sanded and sculpted smooth, and then enlarged tenfold until you couldn't take your eyes off it.

Do you want to know what the houses from Illinois are made of? Vinyl siding, and it's bland colours like grey and white and murky shades of brown that don't even bring any emotion to the observer. Every house in NM was shaped differently as though they were actual people and paired colours like they had personality. To be honest, I've never seen a building's exterior painted olive green and lemon yellow, or some kind of pink that I really don't care to find the name of. I've never considered the idea of building a house with artistic designs and not just safety.

Earthmade features like mountains and scattered trees that looked like clumps of green were seen everywhere whether you were at the base of one on the highway or looking beyond the skyline. And houses were built there as high as the very top or in the valleys or somewhere in between. You could see for miles. And when people look at you from up there, they want to tell everyone and write cheesy poetry that they know no one will care about but they do it anyway.

New Mexico is really fucking pretty. Don't even try to disagree.

It's a little upsetting, unsettling-- The way you hear all these people stating their ambitions to live in urban cities with industrialized ideals to fulfill and no regard for missing out on the rest of the world. There's nothing wrong with living with your head in the clouds, but it's a better view if it's not lodged up your ass. The misunderstood incredibility of what the earth has already made for us seems overlooked by what we've pasted over it.

I know it's all a matter of opinion, but I just want to know someone who can actually wish for the earth beneath their feet.

You know something? I just realised that I have absolutely no preference to syntax, diction, or other literary terms used for writing. The only thing I'm touchy about is a writer's voice, and touchy as hell.

Copying great authors or even less than mediocre ones will get you nothing. Their voices are their voices, and slightly altering it to yourself isn't even considered writing anymore. (I can't think of an insulting enough word) They're only guidelines, a fraction of advice to create yourself. If you can't find inspiration somewhere in your own mind, then where the fuck is your soul? That's what makes your writing voice.

If you think you stand a chance writing in a cliche and mindless view, then you might as well take every single word you've ever unfortunately written, let it burn for at least forty-eight hours, and throw it into the nearest body of water.

(I would join you, but I'm trying to improve)

Just another opinion I have. When I was younger, I always convinced myself "I'm going to be a doctor when I grow up." They tell you at school, "You'd better do something you love because you're going to do it for the rest of your life."

School, you completely killed the mood.

I don't think I'll be happy being confined to one thing for more than half of my lifetime, no matter how much I love it-- And I only mean that for an occupation. Maybe a person, because people change. But not trapped in a job. Because I would be confined. The first thirty or so years of your life are generally spent on preparing you for one thing you'll do for the next fifty. And when you get there, chances are you can't bounce back to another thing because there's always the fear you'll lose the life you've already made for yourself.

There's just not enough time to satisfy the happiness we've been convinced to believe in. If I could change my occupation or just not have one at all and live a simple indefinite lifestyle, then I would. But I've been told that I'll be successful if I stick to one thing, if I don't take risks and discard boldness. "Audacity and procrastination will kill you. You devote your life to one thing and forget the rest to be successful." I think they forgot happy?

That's so robotic, restricted, and limited.

Is there a job you could be content with for fifty years?

--------------

I'm sorry if my writing lacks conventional thought or sounds like I took a thesaurus and erratically poked unnecessary adjectives into the sentences. Just recently, I found one of the Twilight Saga books and found myself reading it. It takes time to adjust afterwards.

I kind of want constructive criticism on this. Please look. :)

I don't go here often enough because I'm a frequent tumblr-er. I don't want to straight out say "follow me!", but I'll give you the url to it, anyway.

By the way, this is my 100th post. It took me long enough.

Show me a hero.

2010-06-12T16:55:00.005-05:00

"And so with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald.

School is over with and I am happy.

I'm not going to South Korea. :'[
Next weekend I'm going to Texas.
That's a preeeetty long ride from Illinois.
I haven't bothered asking my parents why we're going there, but I've been packing since the last day of school. :D

What are your plans?

2010-06-03T20:29:00.006-05:00

ohaiguise.

It's June already, can you believe it?

It turns out that my last post was the actually the 97th. Don't you hate miscounting?

I have finals to study for [because I STILL have school] so I can't post anything that's readable at the moment.

But speaking of reading, my friend Rachel and I are writing a story. It was the result of our overactive imaginations, so if it's a little messy and has errors, it's because we're stupid. clickclickclickzzz

I feel narcissistic.

2010-05-16T00:22:00.004-05:00

This is a link you're going to click.

I want as much criticism as possible. When you draw something, you see what you were going for more than you actually see what's there. So truthfully, I have no clue what any of my drawings really look like.

This is my 99th post. I have nothing interesting to tell you guys, so I think I'll just go now.

I will leave you with this. Hnng.

2010-04-30T11:47:00.005-05:00

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the bin. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and Mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn’t wait to grow up?

(I didn't write this, guys)

But you wouldn’t exist if the universe didn’t need you.

2010-04-21T17:35:00.003-05:00

One thing about being your own person is the ability to think your own thoughts and to realise yourself in a more aware consciousness than others. Of course, other people can seek out your weaknesses, your strengths, and see the things that make you unbelievably beautiful or intolerably repulsive-- The parts of you that aren't visible in the mirror. But only you can know the reason behind those flaws and beauties. Even with a population of billions of beings and more than likely another person out there that has experienced the same as yourself-- a loss, new life, an inspirational tragedy-- the two of you are still different. You could have been brought up into the world in an identical matter, but you didn't lose the same people, you were not given the same lovers or enemies or peculiar ways of thinking. You were not shaped by the same people. There is no real classification among humanity, only general categories to put us in that only dive in a few inches through the surface. The core is what to search for. It is the one part of a person most shaped and least discovered, and almost never even regarded by the person themself. The core is what tells the billions of us apart, yet threads us together like a sweater you received on Christmas day, still resting under tissue paper layers and folded safely in its bumpy road beaten box.

"Today, a young man on acid realised that all matter is just energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves."
- Bill Hicks.

On a completely different note,

If you're one of those people that generally read my posts, then maybe you remember my little gushy one about that guy I met. Well, I had recently met up with him again and, like all of my first few meetings with people, it went shaky at first. I won't bore you with details, although that day was actually interesting. At first, I really didn't even recognise him-- it's not like I've spent every minute, since first seeing him, remembering his face.

I had told you that if I knew him more about him, any gushy feelings would go away and we could be comfortably friends. Comfortably. That was an incredibly blind statement, and I'm so [hate to say the word] hopelessly unsure of this situation that I cannot continue without stopping every ten seconds to breathe.

In my English class, we're reading Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. When I actually read it, I will tell you my opinion. . . If I have one.

Before even reading a story, my teacher has us learn different things about the author. One thing I found interesting about Shakespeare's life is that many people questioned whether or not he was the actual author of all of his sonnets and plays.

I actually think it'd be pretty amazing if he wasn't. Many Shakespeare fanatics would be disappointed and heartbroken probably, but it'd be fucking amazing. His very own life and legacy would be a conspiracy, a lie, and a tragedy like the many that he had written.

I think this way because the past fascinates me. In school, we learn and go by what historians and all those other people tell us through history books and documents. But there's always been that small portion of my mind wondering whether or not those pages are all trustworthy enough to believe. You can never relive the past or revive the deceased from it. All we go by are the books. That leaves an imagination plenty of wander-space.

--------------

By the way, I haven't found the time to post very often because my school's been having 3:00-9:00 rehearsehals for the musical, and that includes myself. Just in case you were wondering.

love
heartbreak
happiness
emotions, in general
the future
living for today
no regrets
music

The most common subjects you ever see something written about. I'm kind of sick of it all.

You are my gravity.

2010-04-09T20:07:00.006-05:00

It's been awhile since I last posted. For the kids [if any] that were wondering if I died or something, I did.

But, my nerdness brought me back to life. Yay.

I'm just going to randomly bullet all the things I've done this week:

All week, I've been painting the set for my school's musical. I'm actually in it though, so it's okay. It was boring though because I had to paint everything a snotty green colour. Even though I got to drown it in glitter, a lot of paint ended up in my hair. It was disgusting.
But something slightly more interesting: I went to the city today and took a bunch of pictures. I felt so cool with my camera. ^_^
I found out how to manage the pages things on here. :B
This previous Sunday was Easter, and also my cousin's 18th birthday. My mom made cupcakes and they were lovely.

My life.

Speaking of Easter, it's my favourite holiday. Not because of the religious reasons for it, but what the fuck we've done to it. Eggs and rabbits have nothing to do with each other, nor do they have anything to do with Easter. I'm always wondering why they are associated together for the holiday when they have nothing to do with each other.

So I have a theory.

With Jesus Christ gone, the people revolted and decided to kill off all existence on the earth. They were to start with a creature that was completely innocent and blind to the violence of insane humanity, and they didn't want that creature to be last and lonely-- It was a bunny. Just as the torches and dancing and weapons were finished and the bunny was ready for death, a mysterious blinding white light flashed before their eyes. A man appeared before them. And he said,

"Don't kill that bunny! It is a miracle! It lays eggs! Beautiful eggs!"

At the man's word, a polka-dot'd egg appeared before the people. Uncracked and perfect. In astonishment, they all turned to the mysterious man.

"But you must not tell of the eggs! HIDE THEMMMM!11!!!!"

And that is the story. I'm sorry if this offended the religious. Here is a better insight.

---------------

Apologies for being so uninteresting. That's just who I am.

thank you stranger for your therapeutic smile.

2010-03-06T18:45:00.012-06:00

I am always trying to find potential in people I see, to find something to like about them. They could be the dorkiest, the ugliest, the most unappealing people in the world, and I'll insist on there being at least one thing that I can remember them by. An odd hair colour, a different way of talking, their openness to speaking with a complete stranger like me. Letting a person go by without finding a small piece of themselves depresses me. In a way, it's pretty damn odd, wanting to learn people that you'll never see again. But what are people, if they don't mean anything to you? They aren't strangers. Strangers are mysterious beings, usually ones you want to solve or are waiting to be solved. And when they become even less known with not even an inch of significance, they aren't strangers. They're just there. And I can't stand it, if I let a person slip to being just there instead of being somebody.But my problem is, sometimes I find the wrong things. You know those things about a person that leave you instantly, like their favourite colour or the shoes they were wearing. Like you have 500 puzzle pieces and you know you won't solve the whole thing, but what makes it worse is that you're missing one or two pieces. That's how it feels. Those things that, even though it'd be creepy as hell to actually remember, still seem important enough to keep stored away. Just small things that don't matter, but are the only things that keep you connected to another person. A stranger. Because connections, like choices, are one of the only things we ever get to keep. We outgrow our clothes, we lose our jobs, we let go of our children, and the only things left are our memories and the things we did to remember them.

these are my plans:

get to 100 posts because I still haven't.
learn to speak/understand the Korean language so I don't look like a complete n00b when I go to South Korea this summer. [help?]
enroll in that photography class my parents insist I take.
save band.

That's it for now. I'm sorry I can't entertain you so much.

Oh, I have one thing I guess I want to mention: My friend recently overdosed and tried to kill herself. None of her friends, myself included, pity her very much. She's currently in the hospital, and in a way, I'd like to visit her. But I don't know what the fuck to say. Attention-grabbing is something she's always doing. It's ridiculous, but I won't explain in detail. In my mind, she's either incapable of trusting us, or she's ungrateful. Okay.

I am a kind of a paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy.

-- J.D. Salinger.

La La La-

2010-02-09T16:19:00.007-06:00

Psychology claims that:

when we sleep without hugging pillows or anything around us, we don't worry 80% of the time.
when we sleep with pillows or with any stuff around us in bed, we actually want to be happy and be an active part of the crowd.
when we sleep while hugging one pillow, we actually wish it to be the person that we miss and love.

Psychology scares me, sometimes.

Something about my age group that I really hate is how we're so obsessed with love. All we can do is talk about it, be in relationships, and never shut the hell up. More than half of those people never actually last a month, and those who don't even think [and by think I mean, talk] about these things are completely shunned from the generation itself, like a penny that you never spend.

Actually, I take back what I said- my friends aren't obsessed with love, only the idea. We throw around the word like it doesn't mean anything, and we believe in it like it does. I find it way too bullshitty and not even worth saying, if it's not the truth. But maybe my standards are too high.

Still, I don't plan on changing them. If I haven't already, one day I will somehow find that one person that doesn't lie to me. With so many more years to worry about this, I sometimes wonder why people try so hard now.

I have a theory.

When you're born, all you see is lines and white paper. If you're lucky, maybe you'll see black and white, something greyscale. Person by person, you see more- shadows, sketches, splashes of colour here and there. You start to paint your life yourself, gain some imagination, feel a little more alive everyday.

Some days, sometimes in a row, all those colours seem a little dim, and some shades disappear completely. Some days you can barely keep your eyes open because everything's bright as hell. There are people who give you new colours, people who colour only certain parts, people who do a shit job like a two year old with a colouring book. And there are people who you think will fix and finish the job, and never do.

Then there's that one person who takes away all the lines and paper and gives you flesh, air, trees, rain, the real world. And no matter what, you never lose that, even after you lose them.

But regardless of those people, everyone has a paintbrush and life is their canvas. There are ones that let other people paint for them, ones that paint for themselves, ones who use the same colours too much, and the ones who don't paint at all.

And then the one with the paintbrush, the canvas, the unused palette, and absolutely no inspiration to do anything with them.

------------------

This whole post has something to do with love. I'm going to go puke my sanity out now.

And whatever else you'd like to think I am.

2010-02-06T17:52:00.004-06:00

And so,
with the sunshine and the great bursts of leaves growing on the trees, just as things grow in fast movies, I had that familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer.

- The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald.

Books:

The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald.
The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger. [R.I.P.]
Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris.
Beautiful Creatures, Kami Garcia.
Tricks, Ellen Hopkins.
The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, Shaffer & Barrows.

Music:

Misery Business (Age of Rockets Remix), Age of Rockets/Paramore.
We Are Your Friends, Justice.
The First and The Last Time, Electric Valentine.
Neon Genesis, DJ S3RL.
The Funeral, Band of Horses.
Audacity of Huge, Simian Mobile Disco.
Crimewave, Crystal Castles.
Untrust Us, Crystal Castles.
No Typical Thursday Night, The Downtown Fiction.
But The Nuns Are Watching, I Set My Friends On Fire.
Anything by the A Rocket to The Moon and Breathe Carolina.

In a nutshell:

I'm getting a Canon 1000d because I'm a n00b, tomorrow. I am actually incredibly excited for this because I don't really have anything else to do with my life. With band more than likely being taken away [because none of us seem to be fighting for it at the moment], I'll have nothing to do. Photography and art classes are being taken out too, so there goes my whole life. I'm determined to be a photographer however, so to hell with it all. I learn on my own, after all. No point in taking a class that I'll more than likely not pay attention to.
The weather here is going in bipolar mode again. I swear, every week it looks different. I'm going to miss this all when next week comes around. [Oh wait, isn't that tomorrow?
I haven't really been happy, lately. In fact, I think I'm sad.

You know that feeling when you act out of your skin, and you feel great. The one where you’re barely surfing a wave, just barely, standing on the edge of the universe. When the sudden urge to scream and shout and run to who knows where jolts you out of your seat. Where you don’t really know where you are, where you came from, and don’t really give a damn where you’re going. You’re smiling and laughing, and not knowing your elbow from your ass for a few seconds. That feeling. And then someone ruins it, and you know you were meant to stay cooped up inside a shell.

Yeah, I know.

and then I ask myself the same question.

2010-01-26T19:48:00.004-06:00

I think have this goal with making people happy. Literally happy. I could care less if I made them smile. Making people smile means nothing to me anymore. For the most part, I think that everyone has enough of a soul to give you a smile for just giving an attempt. For the other most part, sometimes that isn't good enough to make someone happy. Maybe happier, but not the real, whole thing.

The question is, what do I do? Do I have to spell "I love you" in the sky with fireworks, or tap dance barefoot on broken glass? Do I have to learn how to play the clarinet and compose a romantic round with your name as the title? Exactly how endless are the standards of "do this and I'll be happy"?

No matter what, I want to make someone happy, regardless of whatever they were feeling before. I have absolutely no idea how much longer I'll be alive, and I'm not wasting it on living. I'd like to shoot for something higher: Making someone else feel alive. Maybe that'll give me something to look forward to later on.

Maybe something more than a smile.

It's not even February yet, and winter seems to be giving up here. Not that I like being knee-deep in snow at my bus stop everyday or anything, but I'd rather take that than slushing through dirt. All the snow that was sitting on the trees melted away, and the branches have never looked so naked before.

I don't think I could ever admit this to anyone I know, but I like where I live. I thrive here, even. Some don't like it because it's not the city. Others simply don't like living anywhere. My neighborhood, admittedly, is very old and boring. However, it's somewhere stuck in the past with modern figures living in the households. An average neighborhood has two story houses that all look the same, unlike my little own autumn-painted town. Backyard is just another word for forest here.

And if you stand in a retired cornfield and look hard enough, you can see the city.

Now tell me it sucks living here.

Hello, my name is Stephanie and I like mudkips.
I've never found much of a use in bullets or numbering in my blog posts.
But I thought they might have been feeling lonely.
Oh goodness, this is so interesting.
So, so interesting.

Winter.

Winter seems to be giving up here, dying out from sky to concrete. The trees, leafless and naked, are completely exposed to the icy air with no snow covering them that had once been making them look so pretty. It's almost painful to look out my window, knowing all I'll see are the messy remains of a few weeks ago.

In the past, January was an optimistic month that held resolutions for the new year, goals that probably were going to be given up on the next day, the next week. Maybe someone would make it to the middle of the year if they were that determined, not that that happens very often, if ever. The rest of the year seems to be about waiting for the new year, to repeat the cycle, maybe being able to change. January seems to be a month for empty promises.

This month also holds my birthday, how ironic. Could I just skip these next few years and turn eighteen already, or some other age of 'adulthood'? This age brings nothing but disappointment that I'm still a child. I have had my share of immaturity, and I'm ready to take on a new stage of my life, hopefully one that isn't as repetitive or involves so many- what seems to be- ten year olds.

How naive do I sound right now? On second thought, don't answer that.

--------------------

OHMYGAWD THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE AWAY BAND FROM MY SCHOOL MY LIFE IS RUINED OHMYGAWD MY LIFE IS RUINED OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

Okay.

I took final exams last week, and they were surprisingly easy. I was almost excited for a challenge, even if that meant ripping my hair out over it. Oh well. At least I passed.

Also, I'm saving up for a Canon 50d. Who would like to lend me $1,000? You know, just for starters.

By the way, today is my birthday. Being completely honest, I have changed a shxtload. I'm critically ashamed of who I was exactly a year ago, and I can't wait until I'm smart enough to laugh at it. I like to think of adding years to yourself as pokemon going through evolutions. I am Pikachu, waiting to be Raichu.

Okay, that was lame. :)

you're a hurricane.

2010-01-06T19:07:00.008-06:00

Hello. I've been up to absolutely nothing. I think the only thing I'm actually concerned about in school is the final exams. If I don't pass, I'll probably end up going through high school for a longer time than wanted. Or originally planned. And what kind of college would take me then?

I've got to thank my science teacher for telling me that no one has ever gotten an A on her final exam. In fact, the highest score last year was a 72%, by her best student in the history of what was probably ever. And I can barely stay awake in her class. So mhm, I'm on a thin thread at the moment. I'm really only concerned with my biology score. Not to sound overconfident, but I think I'll do pretty well on everything else. If I don't choke.

It's pretty sad how one test practically determines where you're going to be standing in the next year. In the rest of your life, even. For the next two weeks, I'll be studying my arse off. Yes, my arse. I doubt it will help very much, but it's worth a try to some extent. If not,

find me in the city with a will tap dance for food sign hiding my face.

I am hopelessly naive, and I want to be happy. I'd like to believe that being happy has something to do with everything being right. All smiles, all laughs, and the smell of freshly baked cookies in the oven somewhere. It has to feel perfect. However, some part of me would like to believe that I could be in a hallway with whiny, obnoxious voices making even whinier, obnoxious remarks to each other with the smell of burnt rubber everywhere, and still be happy.

But most of all, I'd like to believe it doesn't really matter, and that disregarding all the imperfections will make me happier than I would be otherwise. I am hopelessly naive.

-----------------
Girls do not dress for boys. They dress for themselves, and of course, each other. If girls dressed for boys, they’d just walk around naked at all times.
~ Betsy Johnson

By the way, my birthday is this month. Before I'd say it was in July, because some anime character I don't even care about anymore had that birthday. Now, I really don't care, so mhm. [:

'ten.

2010-01-01T15:02:00.008-06:00

such a short, short post.

2009 was a pretty good year, I think I'll remember it well in the next few years.

for those of you in the midwest, did anyone see the news screwup where they started counting down two seconds before the actual countdown? thanks to them, the first thing I did this year was laugh out, "God, they're so stupid."

I haven't made any resolutions. I'm overall content with who I am as a person. I thought, "keep quiet" would be good, but most of my friends said that wasn't possible. so then I thought, "speak up more," but that's not a happy decision on my behalf. I guess I'll keep changing as the year goes, 'go with the flow.' mhm, I'm not perfect, and that's why I'm happy with myself.

however, a new year's resolution that I actually could end up doing: get an alice glass haircut.

well, something like that at least.

happy new year, everyone.
cheers to 2010, fingers crossed it doesn't suck.

da

for instant friends, just add water.

2009-12-16T18:22:00.013-06:00

I actually enjoyed 2009.

Despite being bored for most of it, the times I wasn't bored was a jumpstart for me. I've broken down and cried, I've screamed, and I've laughed until that dumb 'lmao' phrase was literally true. My self-esteem was stretched and shot up and down. I went through an immensely dumb pessimistic phase to an even dumber optimistic phase. I don't know. I've been changing and I'd like to believe I still am and will continue to.

I. I. I. Enough about me.

Relationships have bloomed and wilted like roses in the changing seasons. Friends move away, you met for the first time. A baby sister was named and the Oxiclean guy died.

It's weird to think that the world works with karma. Actually, no it's not weird. It's probably true. For every smile you make, could that make a whole mess of tears for someone else? Does that mean living in monotone is the most successful idea for the sake of humanity and sanity? There'd be no more smiling, but at least there'd be no crying. This year, I was under the impression it was worth it.

I was incredibly stupid.

Maybe some people do laugh more, than they do some other expression of sadness besides crying. Like frowning or something. That they go through emotions so often, it's overwhelming sometimes, or morbidly boring. That really depends on the person, themself. That even if for every smile comes a tear later down the road,

At least you're feeling alive.

I've been thinking of my hometown, lately. Since it's a fourteen hour drive away from where I live now, I think that my life would have been drastically different than it is right now. I think I would've had a decent life there, though. I wouldn't need to ride the bus because I could walk to school. I'd probably never want to drive and I wouldn't need to, unless my parents were okey with me being stuck in traffic all the time. I'd never even have to do my own laundry because of the laundro-mat that was a walkable distance away.

So I guess the whole living in a house with other people would have been a little weird. But who knows. Maybe I would have made friends with them. I think I'd end up having the same kinds of friends. I'd have the same kinds of enemies. The same kind of everything. But I don't like the idea that

it's not the same.

I would never trade my life for the one I could've had. Sounds tempting, however, I don't mind being an "Illinoisan". Or whatever we're called. Still, I think I could've been a decent 516 kid. [I don't remember which town. lynbrook or something]

I might go back when I'm older.

Anyway, the rest of the year will probably be spent on shopping with friends, traveling to and from Canada, and making sheet music.

Happy Holidays.

and I wish that you could see what I'm seeing too.

2009-12-11T22:21:00.012-06:00

Christmas is coming. All the cliche holiday spirit and weird tunes on the radio are so ridiculous to me. Considering that most of those songs are immensely old and have shxtty quality, I really don't understand why people enjoy it so much. Then there's the whole giving to the poor as though they're only "in need" during this time of the year, and ignoring them the rest of the year like spare change you dropped on the sidewalk. And all the snow just stays there, practically wanting to get sloshed and mixed with dirt. Christmas spirit is so odd.

And somehow so enjoyable.

Most of my friends are atheists, so they don't celebrate Christmas. [I guess it doesn't matter, considering the whole 'Santa Claus' part of it turned it into some weird commerical hallmark holiday] I have no problem with that.

However, it's kind of annoying when they treat me like I'm some ignorant Christian. I'm guessing they've encountered so many of them- the Christians who are always so "well, God exists because you came from Him and blah blah blah" and "you're going to hell for not believing in him."

Logic and religion don't go very well together. There's no point in convincing someone who doesn't believe in God to believe in God by saying, "Well, Adam and Eve were first and we all came from them. God created the universe, and everything is explained in the Bible."

No. Not going to work.

There's nothing wrong with just saying, "I choose to believe because I feel as though God is out there, and is helping me." You don't need logic to believe in something that strongly. Or at least, not very much. Being so "oh, you're going to hell, dear" about it is so pointless.

If we met in real life, you probably wouldn't
like me. And maybe I wouldn't like you either.

wouldn't be commenting each other, we'd be
speaking in real life, without the chance to

portray

what would be best to say and having all the
time in the world to reply. Impulses control

ourselves

in real life, not a keyboard and box for typing.
I am extremely obnoxious and quiet. And,

as we

would get to know each other, I'd find out all
the flaws you have that I would never

want

to know. My thoughts are the same, but the
difference is that in real life, it's not how I want

to be seen.

That is Domo. I saw him in Borders, and I want him for Christmas.

--------------------

Read: To Kill A Mockingbird. again.
Obsession: this.
Justsoyouknow, I'm on here more often. Follow me, if you want.
Ask me something here: click.

I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.
Sylvia Plath.

here is my spin

2009-12-06T18:19:00.005-06:00

If there's anything I'm actually proud of about myself,
it's that I don't complain about how I can't get a guy to
notice me. I refuse to hide myself from people because

have some insane infatuation with them. Living in some
fantasy world and dreaming of what could've been isn't
enough for me. It doesn't fulfill me long enough for the

love

in my heart to actually spread its wings and fly. Besides,
bottling everything up just makes you weaker, if it does
anything at all. And of course he doesn't notice you, if

the

only thing you do is scatter away when he looks in your
direction. Have some kind of confidence. He can love you
too, and, from personal experience, when he does it is a

thrill.

2009-12-06T16:53:00.005-06:00

what kind of world do we live in when little kids can't play in their neighborhood without some creeper coming up and asking them if they want candy?

I got a new laptop, and I'm really happy about it. :] still have no idea what do with it, whether I should do all my homework or continue to do pointless browsing.

anyway, I barely ever have anything interesting to say. people are mean and ridiculous, and friends are dramatic and oh so loveable. if it wasn't that way, I think I'd have to complain about life being too predictable.

http://www.formspring.com/forms/?766416-poPyScqSCZ

say anything at all to me. :B

I have one thing to mention. there's a writing contest at my school, and it's due in january. basically, it's a short story contest. I'm so used to writing incredibly short or drastically long stories, this is going to be a bit of a challenge. I'd say it should be about the length of "The Scarlet Ibis"? I wouldn't go as far as saying it'll be a novella. It's a school contest, after all. The whole scholarship part isn't something I'm very concerned with at the moment though. Just in it for fun. [ha, writing for fun?] I'm not a junior, so scholarships serve no purpose.

I've been drawing marshmallows on everything lately.

my english class is finally doing a poetry unit. much better than reading lord of the flies. then
again, everything is better than that book.

I've been obsessed with this, lately.

2009-10-23T15:57:00.005-05:00

Heartbreak. It isn’t
something easy, and it
is virtually impossible simply
to ignore it. Heartbreak is more
than hurt. It is embarrassment, it
is crying, it is slamming yourself into
a wall in the hopes of being sent to an
insane asylum far away from everyone you
know. You cannot just place your heart in the
pocket of your jeans to keep it safe because no
matter what, it will throb for the feeling of love till
it finally receives it again. For a little while. But,
until all of your misery subsides, I want you to
know that this is all understandable, this is a
part of your life that makes it worth living.I
believe you should appreciate living more
than you do when you have a broken
heart in your chest. You cry & cry,
laugh, and tear up in front of the
kids at school. These moments
are what let you know you
are alive. And even when
‘love’ stops for you,

Life doesn’t.

/AIL

2009-09-23T16:16:00.002-05:00

I said I wasn't go to post here as often.
I'm such a liar.

School is, in its own screwed little way, interesting. Football games every Friday, that would be the highlight of the week. [the only thing i can say i'll like for the next 2-3 years] One Friday, the other high school's band was there too. Considering there's only like 40 of us in band, I was surprised to see over one hundred people from the other school. And apparently [since we had to 'mingle' i just had to ask] that was only half their band. Wow.

Anywhoo, I have a question: Do you have one of those friends that unconsciously talk about themselves? Yeah. So what with my friend and I going to the same school now :D, I now see how much different of a person she is. It was expected, but this friend I have is a little more than tolerable. Since school started, she has discussed being with one guy and then went through the 'breaking up' phase. [it was seriously more torture for me than her] After that, she finds someone new and talks about him nonstop. I get a lot of questions from her too, like about her relationship, and of course I have to try and not get annoyed when she doesn't get the answer the first time.

My real question is: Is it unfair for me to tell her that I'm her friend and not her therapist?

Friends are supposed to help, and it does sound rather selfish for me to tell her I need a break. I'm not a very good friend, am I? v_v I seriously need to ask because my best friends [the ones who bother with telling me their problems] never really had a problem like this. Maybe it's because we're all ice-cold heartless demons. Or maybe that's just me. o_O

Speak:

It's a book, and apparently a movie you'd most likely see in Lifetime. However, I don't recommend it. The idea for the story is really nice and I like how the writer's voice is very sarcastic. The book is also split up into 4 "marking periods" for each quarter of the school year. But it ends so abruptly, leaving you with questions that you shouldn't be asking yourself. Just when I actually liked reading it, it ends. Smooth.

That's my opinion. I'm sure many people love it, since it's a bestseller and everything.

HME / OL:

You can't tell me this wasn't interesting in some way. (:

There was a fair recently that I went to. All my friends went on Saturday, except for a few but I stayed away from them. The thing is, I was there on Sunday with my friend Jason who just happened to be around the area. We don't spend that much time together anymore, and it really upsets me. -_-

It's very upsetting having a close friend not be around, isn't it.

[ha,ha. I talk about myself too much]

The way you grow old is kind of like an onion or like the rings inside a tree trunk or like little wooden dolls that fit one inside the other, each year inside the next one.

I feel like I'm five years old. Like I've just started Kindergarten and I don't know anyone. Like everyone is arguing over everything and no one bothers to really ask why. All my friends from before have been replaced with strangers and teachers and rooms that are in serious need of air-conditioning.

School is such a burden sometimes. . . Clearly I have some growing to do. About ten years worth of it.

--------------------

Mood: not in one.
Music: Romance On A Rocketship.
Muah(:

What we call the secret of happiness is no more a secret than our willingness to choose life.
Leo Buscaglia.

Happiness is not in our circumstances but in ourselves. It is not something we see, like a rainbow, or feel, like the heat of a fire. Happiness is something we are.
John B. Sheerin.

Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

2009-09-07T14:00:00.002-05:00

http://stephcanflyy.tumblr.com/

I don't think I'll be blogging here very often. School, you know. o(v_v)o

Who Wants To Wake Up?

2009-08-22T22:07:00.009-05:00

just for the record, this is a pretty long post. read what you want.

I'd Like To Sit Outside As Time Stops,
and watch the wind slow in my face as trees become still and cars slow. the loud music blasting would fade away gradually into longer and longer vibrations until complete silence and stillness overcomes the world. I'd blink and stand up, looking around at the still bodies of other people frozen in time, unmoving and possibly smiling. I'd walk onto the closest road and bridge sitting above unmoving water and continue walking away from home and everyone I know.

And wouldn't dare glance back.

I'd walk all the way to the highway and move next to the incredible amounts of traffic. Once or twice would I look up at the clouds with no trace of movement, and the birds with no chance at moving with time stopped. After several technical days with time still frozen in place, I still glide along the highway watching for roadsignswith the glow of the moon as my guide. My feet hurt immensely of nonstop walking, but I thank goodness the earth has stopped moving, making the journey easier. I'd make it to another town, noticing everything plastered into place here as well.
Noticing you're the only one moving.

I'd walk up to you and say the first words I've ever spoken for days, a simple "hello." We'd continue walking together down a highway that leads to the only place either one of us would ever want to go. On the way we'd meet several others that have cheated out time, who don't want change like us, and they'd join us on our journey down foreign roads beneath our feet, and signs with city names lighting our eyes. The entire way there the stars would be shining.

And don't dare disappear.

After several frozen time changes to our watches do we finally make it to our destination. Awed by the beautiful lights forever brightening our eyes and several stilled people dressed in a glamourous fashion, we make our way through a maze of cars on the street. Everyone with us would scream and sing out their excitement.

We would be speechless.

Days would turn into hypothetical years as we explore the city, never aging. Eventually this world would tire us and we'd all return home. Dropping off the new friends I've made, I'd make it back to highways and roads that are familiar. My final words would be a "goodbye" to you and yours would be a "thank you." A few days later,

I'm home.

I'd sit in the same position I did before leaving, and slowly watch as time returned. Birds would fly, neighbors would laugh, trees would move with a cooling breeze, and I'd adjust to all of this with time, now that time was going. I'd smile to myself, knowing I've reached some kind of wisdom, while mom calls me into the house before the rain could reach me first. I'd continue living life as though all those timeless 'years' never happened.

Finally accepting and embracing the changes in tomorrow.

. . . Oh my God. Did you read all of that? (;

-----------------------------

You more than likely know that the word 'love' is now incredibly cliche, misused, and overused nowadays. Hell, maybe it always has.

So my friend and her boyfriend broke up and she is REALLY getting on my nerves about it. She's made me talk to him, ask him who he likes. The boy might end up thinking that I like him, with how often I've asked. o_O She claims that she loves him and all of these things. Besides the whole "love takes two people" thing that I believe in, how many other times has she said this? Honestly, we're only like fourteen years young, nearly fifteen. [er thirteen nearly fourteen in her case] Oh yes, you can definitely fall in love at our age, there's no doubt at that. . .

But when you say that you have with 20 billion other guys. . .

Uhm yeah. Do you see my point? When did love used to mean something? I really wish I knew, but sadly I don't live in the time that it does, or did. That really sucks.

So I thought I'd ask; What should I do to help my friend? I'm absolutely clueless.

-----------------------------

School starts immensely soon. [oh yes, I haven't started just yet] I start this week, so I basically only have very few days left. I'm not very excited for it, then again I was never actually happy for school to start.

Personally, the first few months of school are the best. You barely know anyone, there are so many things to find out. One of the rare occasions where I would like to think of people, and think about if anyone is trying to figure me out. Not being used to everything is almost exhilirating for me. Plus, we don't really do much work.

I have decided to stay away from drama. Not as though I caused it often before, but I was somehow involved in it every now and then. All that stress can turn you into a sour person [and your hair could fall out] and I would rather not be a bald bitch that gives you those odd faces you make eating gross candy. HA,HA. That made no sense. (:

------------------------

Hm, this post wasn't really that long. I figure I'd at least try. With school back, I'm going to be busy. Maybe. xD

Book: Nothing. [suggestions?]
Mood: Psychedelic.
Music: The Hush Sound. [their songs would be perfect with typography]

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
-anonymous.

LAWL / LOL

2009-07-19T16:18:00.006-05:00

--------------------

So Just To Clear Up The Possible Question, what the hell was wrong with you? it was nothing I can really explain in detail. Long story turned short, I allowed my pessimism to get the best of me, and went on a downward spiral to hell. Not too comfortable. But I tried smiling and ignoring all these hardships because I don't really need to care.

Wow. This must have made no sense to you.

I'll move onto some kind of rant. Recently I was on youtube, searching stuff up on the movie New Moon. I don't like the book series at all, really. But I like movies, and it'd be interesting to see how it's portrayed, so what the hey? Browsing upon the several pages out of boredom, I come across the following video. LINK. Holy fucking crap. Honestly, I couldn't stand watching like 30 seconds of it.

Okay, so there are several Twilight fans out there, and I have like no problem with that even though I'm not a fan. But after I saw that video, I saw a bunch of videos like it under 'Related Videos'. o_O

So to the fans that go around saying, "FUCK YOU" and "WHY DO YOU CARE?", it's not going to change anyone's opinion on the book series. And just for the record, any anti-fan can say the exact same thing to you for making videos, talking shit, etc.

And to the haters that constantly have to bash the book series, I kind of have to ask why. . . It does, to a point, make sense to explain reasons of hating just as much as fans to explain how much they love it, but when everyone gets all, "IT SUCKS BECAUSE IT'S HORRIBLE" and "IT'S AMAZING BECAUSE IT ROCKS MY SOCKS" and shit, it gets tiring.

We're all entitled to our opinion, and everyone has their own opinion on something. There's never anything wrong with having an opinion on something, but all these "wars" against haters and lovers is getting ridiculous.

Did you know there's been gunfights and battery and throat slitting over this all? O_O

If this wasn't so violent, I'd actually think it was funny. ((:

It's a book. Love it or hate it. Get over it.

Oh, and one issue relating to this all. Edward Cullen sparkles? That's both amazingly awesome and a bit awkward in my opinion.

A completely useless question;

LAWL or LOL ?

This. Does. Matter.

--------------------

People may just hate me after this post.

The best way to become boring is to say everything.
- Voltaire.

2009-07-14T14:52:00.004-05:00

I Can't Believe Myself, I'm Wishing To Be Anyone Else And I'm Feeling Like All This Hell Might Change Something Good In The End.

You Can't Be Happy If You're Sad.

RAWR / ROAR

2009-07-05T18:17:00.008-05:00

Mood: tired.

Listening To: 'Harder Better Faster Stronger' by Daft Punk

Let's start off with this. . .

http://english.aljazeera.net/news/asia-pacific/2009/07/200974143411778707.html
I knew it.

---------

So guess what I learned? Nothing, silly. So, I've been reading my friend's livejournal posts and whenever I get really bored I read people I'm aware of's livejournals. Weird, I know. But most likely if they stumbled upon mine, they'd read it. So I was browsing around and reading random people's livejournals and I really couldn't stand it. Eventually I just started skimming through their words and then stopped altogether. The conclusion I've come to, about most of those people;

* they're a good well of information. *

The question I have for those people;

* why isn't any of it ever good? *

Like, really. Your life can't be that miserable. And if it is, then sorry but you're not getting anywhere if you can never look on the bright side. I do realize some people do have their personal problems and their sad little posts may not be there for an audience, however some of them are people I actually know and know their friends who are positive their lives aren't like how they claim it to be. What can this possibly mean?

they must be BLIND.
they're really good actors in real life.
they have the idea that their life should be perfect.
pessimism.

Take your pick.

Complaining about every little problem when you have a great life can make you out to be ungrateful. And what exactly do those [not really] miserable writers expect? Do they expect everything to go their way, have all that they want, never having trouble, being perfect?

What kind of life is that?

Lastly, I have one question for you all;

* rawr or roar? *

Yes. I am interested in your answer. I see "rawr" more often than "roar" now. Odd.

. . . Peace.

---------

Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious.

- Brendan Gill.

Besides I'd Much Rather Sing To You.

2009-06-29T11:21:00.008-05:00

Mood: musical.

Listening To: Lovely[DJ Pickee remix] by Breathe Carolina.

Talking About My Life Is Almost As Boring As Hearing About It.

--------

Photography is getting more and more interesting. Now you see, I wouldn't exactly call myself 'photogenic' but I at least overall like the way I look in pictures if I don't look high. [ahh, yes. soberness is all i care for in photography] I basically never had a problem with that. Since I don't have any kind of recurring dilemma when I take pictures, it somewhat confuses me when people continously tell me they hate their pictures.

The number one reason I hear from those people: Because they are ugly. NO. That's never the answer to anything. How is letting your self-esteem lower, solving the fact that you believe your representation on paper is unattractive? It really helps no one, especially not yourself. How I could ever get this through someone's skull is beyond my knowledge. Besides, who ever completely likes how they look in a picture?

* answer: no one *

And despite that, who will care as much as you? If you're so pretty and but a complete bitch, no one will like you anyway. :p

Oh, by the way. I uploaded a picture of myself on here too. My default on blogger now(: I dunno, I felt kinda weird to continously comment people regularly and have them not know what I look like, when I know what they look like. And yes, I know. I look like I'm 12. But oh no, I'm older than that, I assure you.

I thought I'd just let you know I've also been getting easily pissed off by everything again. Of course, it's not as bad where I have to say "everything freaking sucks!" like I used to but it's enough to find something to continually rant about. I'd like to continue, but I won't. Deal. (:

Onto the more boring details of my life, I finished volunteering at that 'daycare' Friday. Thank goodness. It really upsets me when little kids try to act like they're older, as though it's cool. It's cute through my eyes, but sometimes it can be kind of annoying. I couldn't stand watching some of them say some stuff and acting older, saying they were like my age when they're clearly off by 10 years. They were Kindergarteners, for the sake of waffles!. What's the rush in growing up so immensely fast? After all, you're only young once and I, as a person, would rather be young than old.

But it's not like I could explain all that to a five year old.

If I Had A Dollar, For Every Person Who Does That. . . ↑

. . . Peace.

--------

If you haven't noticed, I'm having a bit of a writer's block. You most likely have noticed. So far, this is my 67th post and it's making me immensely mad because I've been on blogspot for over and year and I have less than 100 posts. It'll be an amazingly overexaggerated accomplishment of mine when I get to 100. ^^'

You have delighted us long enough.
- Jane Austen

I Can't Think Of A Title.

2009-06-22T14:12:00.003-05:00

Mood: tired.
Listening To: The Sounds by The Morning Light.

----------------

I'm home from band camp. (:

Last week wasn't boring. Thankfully. Band camp is actually pretty fun if you don't sit in a corner and rock back and forth like some kind of sociopath[or whatever that is]. ♪ That would be an eighth note, dear readers. Oh yes, an eighth note. My friend is apparently writing a song. When I asked if I could see the sheet music, she looks at me like, "wtf?" and I of course respond "wtf?" back. So then apparently she was just writing the lyrics using the Kodaly method. Interesting, how a hater of rap music was actually writing a rap song if there's no pitch and notes. I wanted to explain that to her, but then I'd sound like a smartass. Nonetheless, she was thinking of buying a guitar and learn notes anyway. :p

This week will probably be very boring. Reason of which, I'm doing all this volunteering stuff and [basically] a daycare camp for kids from ages 2 - 10. Joy. Actually, I didn't even volunteer. The lady asked my parents if I wanted to do it, and they said yes and of course I had no say in this.

* when I actually do get make decisions like that : never. *

It's not like I hate little kids or anything, but I was kinda pissed off how I was sorta forced into this. I only gotta be there for three hours, fortunately. That kind of makes it better. The children are such sweethearts. (:

I didn't sleep for 24 hours and more, finally. I didn't even mean to do so on purpose, but I just couldn't sleep, so I stopped trying. You see, I don't drink coffee very often because I had the stereotypical idea that I'd be bouncing off walls due to my hyperness. But that day, I decided I'd drink it just because, and it tasted pretty good. I had about five cups before I felt like I'd have a heart attack. This all happened yesterday. Now I'm exhausted. Extremely exhausted. And yet, there's enough energy in me just to explain this to you.

I told you I have a summer list, right? Well, I do have a summer goals list. ← That would be the link to it. I've completed less than half of the goals, and eventually I'm going to add onto itt. The idea of having the list may sound quite organized and uptight at first as it did to me, but it almost assures me that this summer won't be really suckish for mee. Plus, lots of people are making them, surprisingly. Make one for yourself? Yay, (:

. . .Peace.

Jour D'été.

2009-06-10T12:49:00.008-05:00

Mood: Entertained.
Listening To: Technicolour Eyes by Backseat Goodbye.

=================================

The summer is here. I've taken an interest in the French language. Etc.

How can I start this all off? How about an apology? I've been away for the longest time, now haven't I. Well, I've basically just trying to get school over with and what not. Saying goodbyes to friends, collecting thoughts of the school year, other cliches excuses you're most likely not buying. I have an entire day to write in this post. I guess I don't expect you to read it all, I love you anyway for saying something(:

Fanfiction. I don't go there very often. I got very upset yesterday from an e-mail saying I stole one of my stories on there. Either me and the author have very similar minds or he/she stole it because I wrote it from scratch. [click here] ← That's mine. Recognize the story but not the author? Tell me. I wasn't capable of finding who stole it because it was an anonymous review. And yess, I am a Maximum Ride geek x)

Basically, I'm talking about plagarism. I hate it. They tell you in school not to do it for research papers because it's illegal. I'm not that pissed off about how someone stole something I wrote since I spent like ten minutes on those, but it's still mine. And now people don't believe it's mine? Ouch. I'm not letting it get to me because it could be worse, someone could've stolen something I actually care about. [or at least more] Now that's it the summetime, I figure I'll be getting more and more bored without my friends everyday for six to seven hours. I'll have more time to write short stories, specifically fanfictions. I've pretty much given up on anime fanfics. Sorry.

Summertime. Xiàtiān. Sommer. Zomer. Musim Panas. Estate. Aestas. Vasara. Natsu. Yeoreum. Lato. Stad. Vară. Geassi. Simmer. Verano. Kiangazi. Sommar. Naraon. Yaz. Lito. Ihlobo. Haf. Blokétu. Raumati. Sajf. Sourey. Samhradh. Zapkhuli. Ljeto. Ting-Init. Junt'upacha. Uda. Branu. Estiu. Äkhke. Haahtìn.

↑ The word 'summer' in 38 different languages. Something odd to do, I know. But obviously done because it's summer!! I made entire list of goals I want to do for the next two months or soo. It'll be fun this year, if I actually fulfill any of them. All of them, and I'll be one ecstatic student in the fall. The summer always manages to feel so endless and then all of sudden it's gone. I hate that feeling. By the end of this summer, I'm hoping I got at least 100 posts here finally. I've been on here more than a year and like, only 60 something posts. =.= My keyboard will be dead by autumn(:

I have that superstition of 11:11. I'm aware that it most likely doesn't work, but it still gives me the weirdest hope that my wish will come true. [the only wish I ever make] It still gives me hope, despite the fact that I know my wishes may never come true and I'm just wasting 60 seconds twice a day to say the same thing over and over again in my head. That's like 120 seconds a day with hope and wishing. [it's not like i'm going to spend more time on it!] lmao. I'm just a weirdo like that.

Standing on the rooftops.
Seeing a cloudless sky.
Sitting on the treetops.
Stopping tears you cry.

Staying up all night.
Talking for awhile.
Painting black and white.
Seeing you smile.

Listening them sing.
Following the tune.
Falling off the swings.
Loving You. ♥

Uhm,,yeah. I don't know(:

I'm a horrible poet, I envy people who can actually write. I know I suck but I continue making poems anyway just because.

. . .Peace.

=================================

Summer List;

Annoy all my friends by constantly saying, One time at band camp, I. . . when I get home from band camp.
Go to the city by train again.
Take an awesome picture in Canada.
Write two fanfic drabbles.
Stop the habit of playing with my retainer.
Swim in a swimming pool [and not just float]
Eat a mushroom.
Obsess over The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus like the old days.
Buy a shirt with a carrot on it.
Take pictures of fireworks.
Convince my friend to shave his head.
Laugh if he actually does it.
Not get a tan.
Go to the movies and watch movies I didn't buy a ticket for.
Make this list longer.
Then eventually finish it before school starts.

It is longer. I hope this summer doesn't suck.

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
-Ashleigh Brilliant

Another Rant, Again? Oh, The Horror !

2009-05-24T15:31:00.003-05:00

Mood: I don't really know.
Listening To: Eight-Dollar Engagement Rings by Chase Coy.
===========
I've let my musical interests explore new ideas, and somehow my mind followed with it.

Don't Trust Me. 3OH!3
Starstruckk. 3OH!3
Breakout. All Time Low
Lullabies. All Time Low
Six Feet Under The Stars. All Time Low
Dear Maria, Count Me In. All Time Low
Gives You Hell. All American Rejects
No Vacancy. Breathe Carolina
The Birds And The Bees. Breathe Carolina
That's Classy. Breathe Carolina
Diamonds. Breathe Carolina
Lovely. Breathe Carolina
Eight-Dollar Engagement Rings. Chase Coy
A Lovely Sound. Chase Coy
Take Me Away. Chase Coy
Technologic. Daft Punk
Harder Faster Stronger. Daft Punk
Baby, It's Fact. Hellogoodbye
Leave The Light On. A Kidnap In Color
Lust Be A Lady. A Kidnap In Color
The Rumours Are Flying. A Kidnap In Color
Just Dance. Lady Gaga
Love Game. Lady Gaga
Take Control. Love Is A Story
Hiding Inside The Horrible Weather. My American Heart
Happy. Nevershoutnever!
BigCityDreams. Nevershoutnever!
YourBiggestFan. Nevershoutnever!
Hot Air Balloon. Owl City
Fuzzy Blue Lights. Owl City
Compliment Each Other Like Colors. Playradioplay?
Decipher Reflections From Real. Playradioplay?
Giants. The Ready Set
The Scientist. The Ready Set
Sixty-Eight. The Ready Set
I Will Forget You. Rediscover
Uptown Get Around. Stereo Skyline!

I actually could go on. But then that would include me to continually think, and I'm not very good at that. I do listen to more songs by these artists, but I thought I'd go with the more recent ones. I was never into much acoustic music, besides some artists such as nevershoutnever! and some songs by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. I mainly liked the techno tunes, (: However, I'm glad I let my horizons spread.

I personally like the 'underground' artists, the ones that haven't been taken and manipulated by different labels and such, to the point where they only write songs for money and usually don't even write their own songs. It feels like there's no creativity in their music, no feeling, no life. What's left in a song that has nothing?

Noise.

* question: what's the name for those kinds of artists, the one i call 'underground'? *

Guess What Scared My Brains Out? My deodorant causes breast cancer. 0.O When my mom told me, I'm like, "Oh my God, I'm going to die !" Apparently, most common deodorants contain aluminum, which is one of the causes of it. Obviously, it makes sense, since your underarms are close to where the cancer would end up being.

Seriously, I freaked out. But hell, it's not like I'm going to be completely fine.

Gosh, what else could be dangerous that several people use daily? It's pretty amazing. In a bad way, I mean.

Oh, But Onto Something Happier. Memorial Day tomorrow. That means [for most], no school(: That really gives me some extra time to catch up on all my geometry and algebra homework and unfinished work[which, thankfully haven't been collected yet] along with reading a novel or two that day to keep me from boredom. Hah, I'm such a geek x)

'course, that'll have to be done in the afternoon, with the parade earlier on. Marching, once again, (; I always wanted to be a colourguard. But they don't get to wear those fricken awesome giant hats. Plus, I figured the flag was heavy. I'm a pretty weak person. I play the lightest instrument, after all.

I Have A Rant, Finally. People. Judging. From first glance, I'm a quiet, yet very hyper, little dork. So people tend to treat me as such. After awhile, you realize I'm smart. And very smartass-like, too, what with my simple answers to useless questions.

In truth, I find myself very stupid, and maybe it's just human nature to look down on yourself. MAYBE. But to look down on others? That can't be human nature. It's just how people are, being judgemental all the time? Just because they're not you doesn't mean they're not someone. I just hate it when people think they're so much awesome-er than other people. It's annoying and untrue and can be ignored if everyone just stopped.

There are better things to do out there, anyway.

...Peace.

By the way, I've gotten back into the swing of writing in livejournal. Click this sentence to see it, (: I don't write much in it, nothing very important that people would bother reading. I still like blogspot betterr. x)

Also, One More Little Thing. I've been on here for a year, as of now. Gosh, the site's changed a lot.

toute musique qui ne peint rien n'est que du bruit.
- some French guy.

I Watch The Sky Turn To Paper Mache.

2009-05-13T17:04:00.005-05:00

Mood: ecstatic
Listening To: Hiding Inside The Horrible Weather by My American Heart.
====
I'm too lazy to add subtitles to this post. I'd rather do something time-consuming.

* R.A.F.T. : role, audience, format, topic *

Dear Spam E-Mail,
Gosh, how much I despise you. I believe that you are only unpopular mail, desperately seeking attention from people that aren't aware of you. Yes, you have gained the greatest infamy from people such as me- Which, by the way, is hell of a lot. Thanks to you, I have to click the 'x' on unwanted pop-up advertisements, something that wastes at least 2 seconds of my life. Do you realize what else I could be doing in only 2 seconds? A lot. Sure, not very important things, but more important than getting rid of spam.

Your category of e-mails also includes chain letters and mails. Holy fuck, how many are there out there? I'm tired of being threatened of being molested and killed by a clown at 1:00 A.M. It's not even true, is it? It's no threat. It's LIES !@#$%^ Also, you're much too long to read and I'd appreciate if you didn't have so many line breaks between words. Like really, I spend 10 fucking minutes trying to scroll to the bottom of the page, trying to read your shit. Yes, you annoy me deeply.

So basically, I just thought I'd take the time to tell you HOW YOU FUCKING ANNOY THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE and that I HOPE TO NEVER EVER EVER EVER SEE YOU AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.

Signed, .

P.S. I know longer read my e-mail because of you.

It's a sad day when people send hundreds of them to you in the same day. I actually should have turned this into my teacher, with a few revisions and omitting a few certain words. Who knows? Maybe she would've accepted it.

In other news, my hair cut. Yes, I do absolutely adore it, but not enough to take a very good picture of myself\: I know, right? I'm so weird. The only thing I honestly don't like about my haircut is the fact that I look at least five years younger and I'm trying not to exaggerate this.

Yeah, I guess I'm still in that stage of wanting to look older than I really am. I kind of wonder how the transition will be, years from now when I finally desire to look younger, to be younger.

I won't even lie; I think a lot about being older than right now, right here. I don't want to think about when I was younger, when I'd cry over things I thought were meaningful, when no one ever took me seriously when I had a point that, to this day, I still stand by. It's hard to be optimistic about earlier childhood when I barely remember it.

Makes me wonder, which is better? Childhood or adulthood? Because I'm sure as hell the in between stage isn't that sweet. . .

* oh wait, I'm still a child. *

I don't know what I'm talking about. . . It doesn't matter, anyway. I'm still going to grow up, either way. But it's an interesting thought.

Something really odd that bothers me; People who paint their nails with ink pens. Like really, that's not what they're used for!! ~_~

It just annoys me for some reason. And it doesn't even look that good, in my opinion. Hm. You know, a lot of odd things annoy me;

pictures with those glittery graphics onto them.
pictures that have the site's decorator name in the corner of it.
songs with singers that are honestly completely horrible.
people on youtube who are constantly trying to sell you something.
those talking smiley ads.
YOUTUBE COMMENTS.
when people suddenly just break into a rap song outta nowhere - every five seconds.
pictures of people posing 'cutely', when in truth they just look constipated.
complimenting someone then adding 'no homo' at the end - how is a compliment making you seem homosexual?
saying, "YOU GAY !" at something, like everyday. Is there something wrong, if they were gay?
people who say they cut themselves to the public - as though they're proud of it.
people who constantly talk about how they want love. I could cope with it the first few times, but after awhile, I don't care very much.

Everyone has odd pet peeves. But the whole insulting people with calling them gay is very annoying. When will gay people be accepted? Might as well start now, there are tons out there. Right?

Oh, This Is Adorable. ♥

Oh, yes, how could I forget about this? School's almost over for mee(: Less than a month away. I'm usually very sad about the school year ending because I don't get to see my friends as often. So that fact that I'm so excited for it makes me wonder why I'm so happy :D This school year seemed to go by the fastest, and I think I've done the most growing up too. It doesn't seem like it, if you knew me in person, but I really do feel the difference.

Also, my school didn't smell like socks, so I'm kinda happy about that too, (:

However, like everyone, I had some bad days. I don't want as many next school year, but I am expecting them. Honestly, I just think they're inevitable. Even when it seems not everyone has a bad day, it almost cheers me up, knowing I'm not alone on this. All I can really do is move forward, even though I have an incredibly hard time with that. Extremely difficult. . .

Ahh, summertime of course. I have one plan in mind. Only one, you see, that I'm completely sure of: Band camp. XDD

* I'm quite a geek about it. But never will admit this to school folks, *

I have to say that all the scholarships I had to take still isn't enough to pay it all off. ~_~ However, I'm still going. [i'm probably saying goodbye to a lot of things, such as, anything that costs money for awhile] It's sadly only a week for so much money, but the hell with it. I'm hoping this year doesn't suck.

Really, the only thing I like about summer is not waking up early for three months. . . And that's good enough for me.

One more little thing; Test anxiety. I think it's a pretty odd thing, but there are weirder things out there. Such as, aulophobia. I'd never be scared of a flute, (:

...Peace.

Oh yes, field trips are cool, even though they're usually very boring. But the bus rides, the highway, and getting the truck drivers to honk loudly is the greatest part. Unless they ignore you, but you laugh anyway. A random thought that keeps me entertained on highway bus rides.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
-Unknown

sandwiches

2009-03-02T12:38:00.003-06:00

hi

this is jason...

so um... this is a blog..? nice. i'm posting in one...

what am i supposed to post about? anything, right?

well; the way i found this was that annie was listening to some song by nevershoutnever![again for the 17th time... you start counting this kind of thing...] when i finally got her to make me a sandwich downstairs, i saw her blog. i clicked on the 'new post' thing i saw at the top and here i am. (:

it was definitely her 'blog' cuz it had her 'box of chocolates' quote and my quote(and she's the only on who still calls me Jasey =] sort of like how i still add the 'e' after her nickname)...

so yeah, i'm really bored...

i wonder if anyone reads this. i wouldn't have the patience to read people's blogs. but i guess it depends on what they post... i couldn't even stand reading one of annie's posts. but i now have an idea of what to say here;

it's march 2nd. and i'm feeling quite complex. :) also, i'm listening to a static lullaby... and here are equal signs: =================

:)

wow, well, i guess i just talk about my day?

we didn't have any school today, which is why i'm with annie. i'm yelling at her from upstairs to add random condiments to my sandwich so i can keep typing without her knowing.

(i can't believe she even agreed to make me a sandwich. i know i'm a guest and all, but really...)

it snowed yesterday. it sucked. but annie slipped, and it was really funny. :)

i had to go to the ER last week. i broke my foot and it really hurt. so i have to walk around with crutches. it was hell getting up annie's stairs. they're wooden and spiraly.

i wonder if i'd be able to sleep over, so i wouldn't have to go down her stairs any time soon. i hope i can!

(that's how much i hate her stairs)

for my sandwich, i asked for cheese, mayonnaise, lettuce, turkey, and three different kinds of bread(her kitchen is fucking awesome!!! xD).

wait, is turkey considered meat?

i'm probably not going to eat the sandwich being made for me. i just asked her to put mustard on it. (that shit is gross).

haha, there's no mustard. but i threatened to cry if she didn't put any on it. :)

i can hear her from upstairs here, yelling at our friend on the phone. she is such a nice person.

i still love her. :)

is this the kind of stuff she talks about here? i feel pretty stupid.

she's coming up the stairs. i'd better publish this now...

hahah, she's going to kill me when she sees this.

:)

Don't Even Lie

2008-10-16T15:48:00.008-05:00

Date: October 16, 2008

Mood: Cookie-Eating Kind of Mood

Listening To: This song on my friend's myspace(yeah)

Message:

Okay. I am a generally quiet person in gym class(yes, that's the total opposite of what you should be in gym). Maybe it's the uniform that makes me that way, but anyway...

Everyone doesn't stop talking. This one kid in the other gym class(4 classes per period) in my grade literally yelled 'Everybody shut the fuck up!'. Everyone heard it. Including the teachers. He hid his face and when the teacher looked at him. Obviously, you'd guess he got in a lot of trouble.

That's totally understandable. What I didn't understand was the attitude he gave out.

"I didn't do it! Why you think it's me?! blah..."

Here's an easy answer; We saw you. Everyone did.

Gosh, I'd understand if he really didn't, but the thing is... He did.

Yeah. People curse a lot. Big deal.

But when you lie about it and look all innocently victimized(or whatever the term is)..? That really is a big deal.

Pouting and lying doesn't make anything better. A little weirder though.

It's not making anything better. It's just making it a whole lot rant-ier to watch.

Pointless.

Gosh, anyone tell the truth anymore..?

All the overreaction I saw today. Too much. The fact people would consider cursing so loud in school... It's funny(just admit it), but sorta boring to watch when you get in trouble for it. So please... Don't even lie. Just go on to the detention office in a horrible gym uniform because I don't see anyone laughing over here...

...Peace.

I said I was auditioning for the IMEA fest, right? Well, I got in. I'm really happy. =]
I'm so happy, I decided to post pictures in my posts again(yes, be shocked).

P.S.
"One man practicing sportsmanship is better than a hundred teaching it."

huh...I just read over my favorite posts and I realized something... I had some color ADD problems before.
Also... my real-life friends don't comment here anymore. ;_;

[Not Sure What To Title This]

2008-10-12T15:35:00.004-05:00

Date: October 12, 2008
Mood: Growing more and more optimistic
Listening To: 'Caramelldansen(speedycake remix)' by Yasokyoku
Message:
I need to fill my head with an optimistic quote; I might get used to this =]
"Be careful what you think. Your thoughts run your life." -King Solomon

Anyway, I have no rants. Still, I have the sudden urge to post something in one of my blogs- Since I haven't finished writing something for my other blog, this will have to do.
The thought just struck me; People don't own anything.
Seriously. People don't own their house-- Ha, go ahead and protest. If you don't pay the bills or the mortgage, who owns it then? Not you(at least I don't think so).
And when you're homeless and live in your car(no offense to people who really do), you don't even own your car. You just use it until you find no use to it.
People don't even own their own bodies. You're only occupying space. When you die, that body isn't yours, is it? Nope. And no, don't argue with the 'yes it is! it used to be, at least!'. I know, this sounds disapointing, but everything you 'own' such as a house, car, or your body is just something you use to occupy space. People themselves, just occupy space.
But here's the bright side. We do own one thing. Choices.
Our choices are probably the only thing we actually own. They never whither away, they can't burn away, and they affect one part of your life that will affect another part of your life and so on.
We even keep them in our afterlife.
Hey, there's nothing wrong with this. (I'm being optimistic, remember? =])
...Peace.
P.S. My other blog got an award. Sweet.
My friends have taken the liberty to give me the nickname 'Watase'. So yeah. Useless information.

Youtube Videos

2008-09-28T15:16:00.005-05:00

Date: September 28, 2008
Mood: Dumbfounded...
Listening To: 'Hallelujah' (Piano Tribute) by Paramore
Message:

Inspiration:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HluzF9YfgpY

Message:
I'm all for the whole expressing your opinion--- Although, I really don't like the whole 'I hate people, and I will display that for everyone'. Yes, I understand the whole free speech concept, but really... Why all the hate?! One day, I happen to come across a video on someone who constantly says they hate Paramore(a band, if you didn't know). This is a first. I haven't met anyone who said they hated Paramore..
Anyway, I watched the video, and even though I think the reasons are hilarious, they don't make that much sense.
I noticed there were a lot of hate comments and video responses that disagreed with the video. And as much as I want to say "You guys rock!", I gotta say..
Not everyone likes Paramore[as sad as that may make me].
Honestly, it's just that person's opinion, not everyone can be the same!!!
I don't like how people would literally post why that hate something so much though... Where's the fricken love?! I made a rant about Insults On The Internet... (Yeah, that's a link to it, too.) The video and the comments for it are like, the total opposite of what I wrote about. Yeah, those people don't know me, but still...
And even if you disagree with a person, does insulting them really help??? Yeah, maybe you, but anyone else??? No. Sure, none of her reasons of hating Paramore made any sense, but do you have to comment on reasons you hate the creator??? I bet they don't make sense either.
I respect the creator of 'I Hate Paramore' videos--- Her opinion, at least. It just happens to be that I don't like it, so yeah.
...Peace.
P.S. I am never reading youtube comments again.

This World Is Smaller Than I Thought

2008-09-06T12:59:00.004-05:00

Date: September 6, 2008
Mood: Amazed!!!
Listening To: 'Practice Makes Perfect' by Cute Is What We Aim For
Message:
Inspiration Prologue:
Wow. I'm one of those people who believe that time is actually fairly long. One minute is really long, as stupid as that might sound--- It is. People guess that reading this post is maybe 5 minutes. Which, although I would love to have my posts that long, you probably spend 30-200 seconds reading this. That's no way near 5 minutes. In fact, most songs aren't even 5 minutes long!
Anyway, today I'm talking about how the world is metaphorically smaller than I thought. Why? Here's another story;
I made a new friend at school, and she gave me the URL for her blog(which, I couldn't find). Then I gave her mine. She reads my blog. She even gave me the new name for it and everything as proof.
The End.
So yeah, it's not that I think this isn't cool or anything, just... Weird. How would I have known..? I mean, she doesn't even comment. O_O
Real Message:
That inspiration prologue thing is totally new. I noticed how that story didn't even look like a rant, so I had to make it as an inspiration. After 'the world is smaller than I thought' title, it got me thinking(because I really wasn't even going to make this into a rant)... How small does our world seem? I mean really, with all this technology now, we could talk to complete strangers on the other side of the world. It's not like it's a bad thing, but it sure does cause chaotic things. All these rapists on myspace... Or any social networking site, actually.
Chatting with complete liars... They could be lying about where they live... Even if you're not.
It's sort of... scary. You don't know who anyone is anymore. It's like everyone is wearing this mask that you can't take off of them. Posers, fakes, liars, rapists, etc.
It's already hard enough to trust people we know in person. Why make it harder?
(don't answer that question =P)
This rant is... Really short. I'm trying out the 'think about it yourself, you don't have to wait for me to say it' kind of thing. Makes you think more. Unless you're lazy.... Just kidding. ^^
...Peace.
P.S. I made a new blog. It's just for some [crappy] story that had been in my mind for awhile. I just had to write it down on paper... Then type it in a blog... Then continue writing... It'll be pretty long, and my friends are convinced they like it. Too bad they don't comment. grr. -_-
And yes... Freshmen Hell Week exists at my school.

Paramore- Misery Business(Electronic Remix)

2008-07-05T23:24:00.005-05:00

Date: June 5, 2008
Mood: Better =)
Listening To: The Song Below

...Peace.

P.S. Newest rant is tomorrow, and I'm sure you'll love it. ;] Stay tuned.

Happy Independence Day!

2008-07-04T14:01:00.007-05:00

Date: July 4, 2008
Mood: Excited.
Listening To: 'Grim Goodbye' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Message:
Happy Independence Day!

No rant today, because it's Independence Day--- Although, if you have any rant ideas for me, please give me them! I'm running out! -_-

Well, that's it for today.
...Peace.

P.S. Did you know that I am so much in the mood for Independence Day that I had my braces colored the colors of the American flag..? I got them tightened yesterday(which hurts). LOL!

Those Annoying Smiley Advertisements! LOL!

2008-07-03T12:09:00.006-05:00

Date: July 3, 2008
Mood: Upset >P
Listening To: Those really annoying smiley ads yelling, 'SAY SOMETHING!'

Message:

Anyway, I'm sure everyone has seen at least one ad with the smileys... Right? You know, the ones that when your cursor scrolls over them, they say something.. In my very own opinion, the one that says, 'Say Something!' is the most annoying--- It's also the most common. Or how about the ones with Aly&AJ, saying 'Love ya!'? That one scared me once..

Well, I'm going to rant about it because it's so annoying! I, once again, made a list about why it annoys people:

The voices are stupid

They scare me

I like regular smileys

Aly&AJ scare me now

And as stupid as that may sound, I'm angry with it! Seriously, it's kind of weird.. Yeah. This rant really doesn't have that much to say for iteself.. It's basically really annoying, and you can't make it any more complicated.. *insert 'I Make Everything Complicated' sticker here*. So that's it.

...Peace.

Insults On The Internet

2008-06-26T12:24:00.013-05:00

Date: June 26, 2008
Mood: Yayness!
Listening To: 'Damn Regret' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Message:
Okay, I have a rant that a lot of people have been anticipating me to write(or not).. Insulting people on the internet.. Yeah.
Why do people do it? I mean really, if you can't say to their face, why would you display it for millions of people who probably don't even know the person? Why get other people involved, just because you can't handle it yourself? Well, I have come up with a list of possible reasons people publicly display insults of people on the internet:

They're too much of a coward to say it to their face.
They're mean.. O_O
They hate them so much, and yet they still can't go on without hurting the person.
They have self-esteem issues, and must insult others to feel better about themselves(seriously.. If you hate that person so much, why don't you leave them alone?!)
Anything else I'm missing..?

Those are my reasons. People do that to get some backbone and feel they are supported.. In my opinion they probably need the support from others because they don't ever feel supported. Come on dudes, a lot of people have low self-esteem, and they don't deal with it this way! Instead of hurting others, some actually hurt themselves. I'd rather they cut themselves than hurt others... And as creepy and screwed up that may sound, that's just my opinion. Just because you're on the computer doesn't mean you should be rude. Even if it's on and off the internet, it's not like you should put it on the internet. It's already bad enough off the internet!

What is so rewarding about cyber-bullying? Yeah, that's right, bullying. That sort-of-immature thing that should be handled with adults, and happens with little kids and some teenagers. Ha! Being a 'bully' isn't nice, and whoever you're bullying could end up commiting suicide because of it. In fact, a lot of kids kill themselves because of this kind of stuff... Anyone agree with me?

...Peace.

Quiz: What Japanese Name Should You Have?

2008-06-20T18:17:00.005-05:00

Quizzes by Quibblo.com

I made this quiz. People, please take it! Thanks. Yeah..

Another Thunderstorm.. Another Rant..

2008-06-15T16:01:00.009-05:00

Date: June 15, 2008
Mood: Scared =O
Listening To: 'We've Got A Big Mess On Our Hands' by The Academy Is...
Message:
They say that spring is the tornado season, which would commonly bring thunderstorms into the story, correct? Well, then answer this--- Why do they usually happen in the summer? I understand that they say 'spring' for the weather changes and kind-of cold, kind-of hot weather in spring, but how about this--- Autumn has kind-of hot, kind-of cold weather too! Honestly, I have always wondered what's up with that, ever since I was told about that spring-tornado-relation(which, I don't know, was when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade!).. This is a rant. So if you read this and agree with this(whether or not it be strongly) then thank you. You fricken' rock.

Well anyway, there's a thunderstorm. And I'm scared. We've been having quite a few tornado warnings and watches around my area. Yeah. Peace.

School's Over!

2008-06-09T13:04:00.006-05:00

Date: June 9, 2008

Mood: Happy

Listening To: 'Your Guardian Angel' by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Message:

Yayness, people, yayness! I'm finally out of school. I'm actually kind of sad that it's over... T_T Oh well, I'm still happy. I'm also getting a new cell phone today, and I get to pick this time. That's so awesome. I didn't get to pick my last phone(which I got when I was like 11)... Well, I'm babysitting my little 'sister', and she's getting impatient with me(thank God she can't read!). Just kidding. Anyway, that's it. I guess. For now. I'll make another entry(or edit this one) later. Peace.

2008-06-08T14:30:00.001-05:00

Date: June 8, 2008
Mood: Happy/Upset
Listening To: 'My Heart' by Paramore
Message:
Yeah, so why is my mood two exact opposites? Well, I'll start from the beginning. To start with, there was a TORNADO near my house(I wasn't in the exact path, but I could actually SEE IT PASSING MY HOUSE). The electricity went out, and only one street had their electricity back on--- Since I'm in a different grid, no one on my street had electricity. It was pretty hard to get around, and the traffic lights were out too. 0_o I am so glad that it's back though, so that's why I'm happy. \^0^/
Although, I' still upset, since I missed Naruto, Bleach, Death Note, etc. It's so disappointing, especially since I had posted a blog about how excited I was to watch it. T_T I usually don't post on Sundays, but I had to post about how thankful I was to not be in the tornado.. So glad. =D
Peace.

Yayness.

2008-06-07T13:43:00.001-05:00

Date: June 7, 2008
Mood: Impatient
Listening To: Atrophy by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Message:
Yup, so why is my headline 'yayness'? I'll tell you why. It's because I just uploaded a bunch of new songs on my mp3 player... And, I also got my flute back(I was using a rental for awhile, because I broke the original)! I am so tired, and I'm impatient(see mood). So why am I impatient? Naruto! Bleach! Death Note! That stuff. I love anime, and it's all on at night. It's still the afternoon. I feel really bored too, so I thought I'd add a journal entry. Nothing too different with myself, what about you? I'm going to head off now. I'll look at other people's blogs, and comment--- So they comment on mine. Seriously. Peace.

Yeah, So School's Almost Over..

2008-06-06T20:21:00.002-05:00

Date: June 6, 2008
Mood: Boring
Listening To: Hallalujah by Paramore
Message:
School is still going on for me, boo hoo. Oh well, this is so going to suck for the next few days. I'm going to be in band everything. For a junior high school, I have a crazy school. There was a bounce house in there once(like, I don't know, TODAY!!XD)... Well, yeah all true. I can't think of anything else to say, because no one is probably even reading this! Haha.. Peace.